What we get wrong about forgiveness: Counselling expert explains letting go versus making up

Forgiveness is commonly seen as a moral obligation and is often confused with reconciliation, but experts say the two are not the same. According to a counselling professor and licensed professional counsellor who studies forgiveness, forgiving someone does not always mean restoring a damaged relationship.

Forgiveness is often presented as a moral duty or a pathway to reconciliation, but experts say this common understanding misses an important distinction. According to counselling professors who researches forgiveness, letting go of resentment does not always mean repairing a damaged relationship — and, in some cases, reconciliation may be harmful.

Political conflict and family estrangement

Political disagreements are increasingly affecting close relationships in the US. A 2024 study by the American Psychiatric Association found that two in five Americans have argued with a family member over politics, while one in five have become estranged. The same proportion reported blocking relatives on social media or avoiding family events due to ideological conflicts. Such unresolved disputes can strain emotional health, family bonds and long-term wellbeing.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation

Forgiveness is frequently misunderstood as restoring a relationship. However, researchers differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is an internal process — releasing feelings of anger, bitterness or ill will — while reconciliation involves renegotiating or rebuilding a relationship. The two can occur independently, and reconciliation is not always possible or advisable, particularly in cases involving abuse, trauma or ongoing harm.

Why forgiveness feels harder than revenge or karma

A 2025 study examining forgiveness, revenge and karma found that people aspire to forgive more than they seek revenge or justice through karma. However, participants reported feeling happier when karma occurred than when they actively tried to forgive. Forgiveness was associated with higher levels of sadness, anxiety and emotional stress, as it requires confronting painful emotions rather than avoiding them.

Intrapersonal forgiveness and emotional healing

Forgiveness can occur even when reconciliation is impossible, such as when the offender is unsafe, unrepentant, deceased or unknown. This form, known as intrapersonal forgiveness, allows individuals to heal internally without resuming contact. Mental health professionals note that this process can help people release expectations they will never be met, reducing emotional burden and trauma-related distress.

Forgiveness as a form of grief

Letting go of resentment often involves grieving unmet needs such as trust, safety or love. Experts explain that individuals may experience stages similar to grief — denial, anger, bargaining, and depression — before reaching acceptance. Forgiveness, in this sense, is not about excusing harm but about choosing not to carry emotional pain indefinitely.

Four steps to assess your forgiveness journey

Counsellors recommend a reflective approach to forgiveness:

• Talk to someone you trust, such as a friend, mentor or therapist, to process emotions and gain perspective.
• Evaluate whether reconciliation is beneficial, considering the offender’s remorse, behavioural change and personal safety.
• Identify the type of forgiveness needed, whether interpersonal (rebuilding the relationship) or intrapersonal (internal emotional release).
• Release ill will intentionally, recognising that forgiveness is a gradual process requiring patience and self-compassion.

Choosing peace without pressure

Experts emphasise that forgiveness should never be forced or framed as a moral obligation. It is a personal decision, separate from reconciliation, and should prioritise emotional safety and wellbeing. Letting go does not mean forgetting, excusing harm or restoring broken relationships — it means choosing healing over ongoing emotional strain.