Every dating life comes with its unofficial rites of passage, the stood-up date, the ghosting after a dreamy two-week talking phase, and eventually the sinking realisation that the person beside you is a dud. Gen Z calls these canon events. Nobody calls them fun.

The trouble is that losers rarely announce themselves. Some are hot, some are funny, and some are just enough fun that you can’t tell whether you’re spotting a real washout or being overly critical.

First, a definition. ‘Loser’ isn’t a dig at someone going through a rough patch. Licensed counselor Brook McKenzie says to look past the job, the income and the polished résumé.

Pay much closer attention to what happens when life requires something from them.

Also Read: Pay the bill, gentlemen, Why chivalry isn’t a transaction? 

That’s the test. When things go wrong, does your partner own their share of it?

McKenzie suggests asking yourself, “do they become curious about their part in it or immediately find someone to blame?” A person with an excuse for everything is showing you their character, whatever their circumstances.

Intimacy and relationship psychotherapist Ken Page puts it more simply, “What kind of a human being are they?” Are they kind and thoughtful? Do they behave decently “even when it would be easy to do the opposite”? And ask the quietest question of all, how do they make you feel? If you’re even asking, that may be your answer.

So what now?

Don’t reach for the dramatic exit yet. Even good people go through phases of acting like losers, and the writer admits she has been that loser herself. If the behaviour is out of character, a conversation is warranted.

There is one exception. If things veer into emotionally abusive or unsafe territory, you owe no one the benefit of the doubt. No version of mental abuse should be tolerated.

Otherwise, whatever you do, don’t say the word “loser” to their face. Instead, name the specific behaviours that worry you. It gives them a chance to see something they hadn’t noticed, and it could change the relationship for the better.

If criticism only makes them defensive, angry or even more loser-ish, start packing.

Also Read: Finding more joy in everyday life

Because staying is the real danger. Once you know you’re with a loser and do nothing about it, the story goes, you eventually become one too.