‘I used to hurt myself because I felt I wasn’t good enough’: Singer Jyotsna about her autism diagnosis

Popular Malayalam playback singer and composer Jyotsna Radhakrishnan has opened up in detail about her autism diagnosis. She had first revealed it during a TEDx Talk, and has now spoken at length about the struggles, self-doubt, and emotional challenges she experienced before discovering she was autistic.

In an interview with Dhanya Varma, Jyotsna said she chose to speak out to raise awareness about autism, especially in women who may unknowingly be masking their symptoms and suffering in silence. She shared how the diagnosis helped her understand long-standing questions about herself and gave her the tools to cope with her experiences.

A journey of self-discovery

Jyotsna recalled that her journey towards diagnosis began after moving to the UK and enrolling in a course. During a flight, she came across a documentary titled My Autistic Life’’, hosted by an autistic individual who detailed his personal journey. Watching it, Jyotsna felt an unexpected connection.

“I could relate to so much of what he said,” she shared. “Later, I spoke to a therapist, who then referred me to a psychologist in India. After a few conversations, the psychologist asked me if I had ever considered that I might be autistic.”

She underwent a series of assessments, all of which pointed to "high masking autism," a condition where individuals conceal their traits in order to adapt socially. “I was diagnosed with divergent autistic traits. For me, that meant living with heightened senses—particularly smell and sound. I can hear static sounds when a phone is charging, and sometimes smells make me very uncomfortable,” she explained.

She added that she often needed highly specific instructions to understand things fully, something that made her school life challenging. “As a child, I was constantly asking questions. My teachers used to think, ‘Why can’t she understand even simple things?’ Eventually, I stopped asking,” she said.

The singer also addressed the mental and emotional toll of undiagnosed autism. “I used to feel exhausted all the time and assumed I was just lazy. I would push myself hard, saying, ‘Get up, you’re not lazy’. I hurt myself a lot because I felt I wasn’t good enough,” she admitted. “But now, after the diagnosis, I’ve learned to rest when I need it. That’s what a diagnosis does—it gives you the language to understand yourself.”

Jyotsna explained a neurological concept that helped her come to terms with her condition. “In neurotypical brains, there’s something called pruning—where extra neurons get trimmed after the age of five. But in divergent brains, this doesn’t happen. Our brains are constantly processing far more information, and that causes a kind of sensory and cognitive overload. That’s why we often feel overwhelmed or zone out.”

She noted that most people only understand autism through more visible traits often seen in level 2 or level 3 autism, such as difficulty with eye contact or learning disabilities. In contrast, she lives with level 1 autism, where the symptoms are less obvious but equally impactful.

Breaking stereotypes

Jyotsna hopes that sharing her story will help others understand the complexities of autism, especially in women. “There’s a lack of awareness around highly masking autistic individuals, especially women, because we tend to adapt so well that the traits become invisible. But this constant masking is emotionally draining.”

Autism is a neurological and developmental condition that varies significantly from person to person. It typically appears in early childhood, but many, particularly women, go undiagnosed for years due to subtler or masked symptoms.

Apart from her music career, Jyotsna is also a certified life coach. She has sung numerous popular songs, including the hit track ‘Raftaara’ from Prithviraj Sukumaran’s film ‘Lucifer’, and is also known for independent music albums such as ‘Paranne’. She has served as a judge on various Malayalam reality shows, bringing her musical insights and experiences to the fore.