Lisa Ray shares her ‘unofficial husband’s guide’ to loving a woman through menopause

Lisa Ray has spoken candidly about an aspect of her personal life that she says she did not fully understand at the time.

The actor and cancer survivor recently reflected on entering marriage while dealing with the physical and emotional changes that followed an early, chemotherapy-induced menopause.

In a post on Instagram, Lisa shared how she went through menopause at 37 after undergoing high-dose chemotherapy for multiple myeloma. She met and married her husband at 40, when she was still dealing with the effects of the transition.

Looking back, Lisa said having a better understanding of what was happening to her body might have helped her handle the early years of her marriage differently.

Opening up about the experience, Lisa described those first years as challenging.

“I went into chemo-induced menopause at 37. I met and married my husband at 40. Entering marriage while experiencing the aftermath of menopause was…interesting,” she wrote.

She added that the experience may have contributed to some of the difficulties in the early years of their relationship.

“No wonder those first few years were volatile. Had I understood what was happening in my body, I might have thrown my husband a life raft,” she said, adding a touch of humour to an otherwise personal reflection.

Lisa then turned her post into what she called a “very unofficial husband’s guide” to supporting a partner through perimenopause and menopause.

‘We are not broken’

For Lisa, one of the biggest things she wants men to understand is that menopause is not something that needs to be treated as a problem with the woman herself.

“We are not broken and we don’t need fixing,” she wrote.

She pointed out that perimenopause can last for years and can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Changes in energy, sleep, mood and concentration can affect everyday life, while a person's relationship with their own body can change too.

Lisa also acknowledged that partners can find the experience difficult, particularly when they do not understand what is happening. Her advice was less about having all the answers and more about being willing to listen and adapt.

Her six tips for partners

Lisa's guide focused on some of the everyday situations that can become difficult during perimenopause and menopause.

Don't assume every reaction is about you: Lisa noted that anger or frustration can sometimes be part of the hormonal changes. At the same time, she stressed that this should not become an excuse to dismiss a woman's feelings.

Listen before trying to fix things: Sometimes a partner may want advice, while at other times she may simply need someone to listen. Lisa also joked that there may be moments when giving her some space is the best possible response.

Give her space without making her feel alone: A simple reassurance such as, “Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready,” can make a difference, she suggested.

Pay attention to exhaustion: Sleep problems and brain fog are real parts of the experience for many women. Lisa pointed out that forgetting why you walked into a room does not necessarily mean you are “losing your mind”. Sometimes, you are simply exhausted.

Don't blame everything on menopause: Lisa made an important distinction here. While hormonal changes can affect mood and reactions, menopause should not be used as an easy way to disregard a woman's genuine concerns or emotions.

And never say ‘calm down’: Lisa's advice on this one was simple. Telling someone experiencing intense emotions to “calm down” is unlikely to help.

Above all, she encouraged partners to remain curious about what the other person is experiencing rather than immediately judging or dismissing it.

‘Stay curious’

Lisa also reflected on why partners often see the most difficult side of what someone is going through.

“It’s the ones closest to us that get the unedited version because they are home,” she wrote.

But she was equally clear that understanding menopause does not mean accepting harmful behaviour. Partners should not become “punching bags”, she said. Instead, couples may need to find new ways of communicating and supporting each other as circumstances change.

“To the men navigating this alongside us: thank you for staying in the room. Even when you may occasionally need a helmet,” Lisa wrote.

She ended the post by raising a toast to women going through menopause and the partners who support them.

Lisa Ray was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2009 and underwent high-dose chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant as part of her treatment. The treatment brought on early menopause when she was 37.